One of the little things in life that really bugs me is when parents choose to give their offspring “cute” names — names that either are made up out of whole cloth or common names that are given strange spellings in an attempt to make them somehow “special.”

Below is a list of some of the names I have encountered, mostly in southern Indiana where the practice of creating bizarre monikers seems to be a favorite pastime. As it is traditional among some ethnic groups to give children uniquely invented names, I have not padded the list with names that were culled from those with distinct ethnic backgrounds. Nearly all of these are names of white Americans in the Midwest, mostly children. The list is not intended to offend the bearer of any of these names (after all, children usually do not get the luxury of choosing their own name), but are offered in the simple hope that these names will die with their current owners. For expecting parents I offer this as a list of names not to give your baby.